The lunchtime legend is back

5th August 2008

Hoping was not enough - Angelica's back...and talking elephants

http://thelunchtimelegend.blogspot.com/

Posted by River, 5th August 2008

Murphy's Marketing Morals - Part 3

6th August 2008

Mornin' campers. Rise and shine. Hi-de-hi.

It's that time of year again. You work like a dog all year to save up to get away...and then you work like a dog to squeeze into a bikini on the beach.

I'm lying about the last one. Truth be told they still harpoon in so many places these days, I'm scared to venture out semi-clad.

So, there we were contemplating a well earned rest. Weighing up the veritable merits of a break under canvas...the delights of an authentic experience. Tea in a tin mug and a sausage in a bun. Those were t'days me lad...versus two weeks of the Redcoats answer to Britains...not got...Talent. With a donkey derby thrown in.

How had it come to this? Had the credit crunch ground up and spat out all our other hollie options this great British summer? Were we truely contemplating a UK break? Sans the sun?

Apparently so.

When its bad for some though, others benefit threefold. You can stick your foreign travel where the sun does shine. Ask Graham Parr (the Pontins boss to you and me).

Now look, I'm not a snob.

I've been to a Pontins holiday camp.. .I've experienced the brand. Touched its points and traversed its customer journey.

Once.

It was a hen weekend in 1992. I can't remember much (in any detail) at all ok? Too many rum and blacks and too much Gloria Gayna. At least she survived! I'll never be the same again. Nor will the hen. Divorced. Then he married her sister. Nasty business.

Anyway. Pontins. Recent research says that a whopping 70% of Brits are forgoing sun, sea and sangria this year for a break in Old Blighty. And how do I know this? I read it in a promotional feature in a magazine.

That's marketing that is.

Build awareness...and they will come. Make the price attractive and put it in a brightly coloured star device...and they will come sooner. I know book sooner makes better sense okay, but come sooner scans better!

Come to Pontins it said and listed the delights on offer. And the price. That's what made me look twice campers. The price.

Cheap.

Lots to do. And a club for the kids so you can pretend they're not with you and really enjoy yourselves.

A whole dps - that's a double page spread to us publishing types - of promotional copy selling fun, fun, fun.

How could we resist? And if we couldn't afford the price tag we could win a Pontins family holiday by entering a competition in a panel on the side. Data capture. Clever.

So, did we book the under canvas experience or the holiday camp dear reader? It was a tough call for sure.

Songs around the camp fire with smores...that's a marshmallow with biscuit and chocolate for the uninitiated...and a sausage or two. The delights of the outdoors and the wind in our hair. And let's face it, whistling through the tent flaps no doubt.

Or...karaoke, a snooker ladder and a bunk bed with optional duvet. Ten quid a week surcharge. And a load of X Factor rejects for entertainment.

The latter. Obviously.

Why so?

Its the power of promotion and price put together in an editorial format.

A bit like Ainsley Harriet tells it in those dishwasher tablet ads. When you need more power harness the right tools. In this case I'm not talking an electric hedge trimmer, but rather, promotional copy in an editorial format.

It's more believeable to the reader who already trusts the magazine he or she is reading. They paid good money for it after all.

Smart that bit. Its sales copy that emulates real copy and the competition is a thank you for reading it, thrown in for good measure and positive effect.

The double whammy is that phone entries can offset production costs too (with the correct legals of course).

So, utilise the power of magazine promotion if you want more bang for your buck Mr Marketing Director. The customer pays for the copy and the prize and gives you their name and address to boot. It worked for Mr Parr.

And it worked for me. I'll think fondly of that star-like logo when I'm belting out 'I will survive' on the karaoke. Safe in the knowledge that I'll be the recipient of many offers from the nice people at Pontins in future years. So I can come back again and again. As often as I like. Or not.

Ok. That's it. Shoot me now.

Posted by River, 6th August 2008

Passionate about Promotions (and biscuits)

8th August 2008

Aside from being the resident biscuit queen, those who know me might say I am a little bit anal and somewhat of a perfectionist, I have on occasion heard the term ‘OCD’ mentioned...

Well, it’s completely true and I don’t deny it.

I just like things done a certain way...the right way, my way.

Anyway it’s these very principles that I apply to my role at River Publishing.

As the Group Promotions Manager (AKA Head of Freebies) it is my responsibility to oversee the promotional content for every single one of our titles, source promotions, reader offers, cover mounts and giveaways and write the legal blurb (officially known as the terms and conditions). It feels like a 3 man job but with my multiple personalities we’re are probably over-staffed.

How do I know I am good at my job? Simple. I said so – and I am never wrong.

Our competition response rates speak for themselves. The recently acquired Co-operative magazine attained 45,420 responses, a record 9.38% response rate! (Just had to blow my own trumpet on that one).

Thank god the Royal Mail introduced PIP (that’s shafting charging us by size and weight), as our handling house used to get comp entries on everything from used pizza boxes (gross) to worn (that’s cheesy rather than holey) socks!

My job is quite varied and whilst no two days are the same it is very busy – despite what my daily biscuit consumption may portray!

Basically I look after every element of the promotion process from inception to completion.

Now I know most people think I just bend over and parp out promotions on some sort of conveyor belt. Not true. A hell of a lot of work goes into getting there. Research, a sales pitch, direct mail, organizing artwork and copy, liaising with the internal design team, organizing competition entry mechanism (and monitoring of such) copy sign off, dispatch of printed copies to relevant parties, evaluations, notifying winners, dispatch of prizes and of course writing promotional terms and conditions.

Of all of this, letting winners know that they have won a prize is one of the nicer parts of the job. We did a wonder bra promotion once whereby I had to call up each winner for her bra size. That was interesting. Can’t wait until we do a promotion for Jock straps. I may offer to deliver and fit those personally!

One of the single most important parts of my job, is ensuring that there are enough biscuits for the t's and c’s (teas and coffees). There’s nothing more nerve-racking for me than a peckish publisher. I also have to ensure that the other t’s and c’s (terms and conditions) are perfect. You can have the best promotions in the world but it would all come crashing down around your ears for so simple a mistake as not getting this element right.

I am always aghast at the blatantly negligible terms that I see in rival publications and as with the recent knuckle rap the telephone industry has received for poor practice, its just a matter of time before this sector of the industry falls under the magnifying glass.

As we look after a number of consumer facing brands such as Superdrug, Weight Watchers Magazine, Bonmarché and The Co-operative Group, any errors in this area not only cause damage to River Publishing as a company but also to the brand and reputation of our clients, and that in my book is unacceptable.

Here at River Publishing the Promotions Team recognizes the importance of every single one of these issues and therefore strives to achieve 100% effort and compliance in all areas.

So compliance, accuracy, value and a good cookie are my trademarks.

Have a look at any of our magazines and you will see exactly what I am talking about. Me – I’m off to scoff another bikkie.

Blog biog: Angie Morris, mother of 2, (3 if you count her partner). Angie hates tea, coffee and any form of peas. Usually has a good stock of biscuits at her desk.

Posted by River, 8th August 2008

Murphy's Marketing Morals - Part 4.1 and

11th August 2008

So why is it that ads are conversation pieces nowadays? The stuff of
common parlance. Dinner party conversation to you and me, and oft better
conversational fodder than the programmes themselves? No, really. And
yet, they don’t make us buy stuff.

There I was watching something banal on Monday night. With lots of
actors in it that had been in other soaps before. Playing the same
character, different colour hair. Or no hair. Or facial hair. Over. And.
Over.

When up popped Grant Mitchell. In the commercial break. EastEnders hard
man. Remember him? Hmm. Rebekah Wade, what were you thinking when you
dumped him? Must be all your hair. You couldn’t see just how gorgeous he
is through your big, red curly hair curtain.

Anyway. There he was. Grant. Advertising Sky. And talking about his Nan.
Eh? She’s got whatever it was he was talking about apparently. Still
with me? Lord knows what it was. And all I could think about was Oh My
God! He’s posh. He’s posh in real life!

It’s becoming a bit of a theme for me, isn’t it? Posh people. Not that
I’ve got a chip. Common, me?

And later in the same ad, Felicity Kendal. A stranger pairing I confess
I’ve not seen in a while.

And both advertising the same whatchamacallit.

And all I could think about when I saw her wasn’t...isn’t she posh. I
already knew that. But. WHAT has she done to her forehead? Now you and I
know ladies, exactly what she’s done. Botoxed it? And honestly, she looks like she had her own dose and that of the next two people in the queue. And Grant’s Nan’s to boot.

Maybe she was going away for a year and asked her doctor for enough to
last. A Long. Long time. Tefal. Really.

So I’ve no idea what Sky product they were extolling the virtues of. I
was mesmerised by his voice. And her head. Two big fat appearance fees.
Okay, so Rupert can afford it. But still. Hundreds of thousands of
pounds wasted.

Her head. His voice. His voice. Her head.

And that got me thinking... As a Marketing Director you want your brand
to be synonymous with the best of the best. Look lowly consumer celebs
buy Brand X so count yourselves lucky you can too.

But choose the wrong celeb and the message gets garbled. We remember the
actor in the ad. Or their forehead! But not the product. Daft.

It makes for amusing tittle-tattle over the canapés for sure but it’s
hardly the point is it?

Where have all the proper ads gone? The boring, repetitive ones by
Procter & Gamble and Unilever. Nanette Newman in a field full of
scouts with hands that do dishes, brandishing the bottle of Fairy?

The ones we hated. But by God you remembered the product. And the
annoying jingle. And you bought the brand. Not because of Nanette. No
relation to Grant’s Nan. But because you remembered the brand.

Non-clever ads. Obvious ads. About products. Not celebs.

In those days we talked about the telly for the programmes. Remember?

So the marketing moral? Get your ad agency to go back to basics. Simple,
obvious messages. Product first and second. Celeb last.

Dinner party conversation will doubtless suffer but, hey, we can just
drink more. There’s nothing more interesting to a drunk than himself,
after all.

Less celebs. Lower appearance fees. Ergo cheaper, more effective ads.
Felicity will have to go back to making programmes to make the same
crust. Or less. And if it’s less, her wrinkles will thank you for it.

Posted by River, 11th August 2008

now Murphy's Marketing Morals - Part 4.2

11th August 2008

So there we were talking about hair.

Not ‘down there’ hair. And if that was your first thought, then I'd advise a shrink, as in a psychologist. Or a wax. Or both.

Or burn all those magazines. It’s time.

In the US, you probably can get both simultaneously come to think of it. Wax and therapy. They seem to cater for the majority of whims and foibles over there.

No, I mean hair on your head. Or not on your head if you are bald, obviously. Not that I have anything against the follicly challenged at all. I had a bit of a thing for Yul Brynner truth be told, altho that might be because he had lovely manners. Even when he was shouting at the
governess in The King And I, he always called her Mrs Anna.
And my partner. Not Jane. She's got loads of hair. No. The lovely Gerry. He's bald, too. But more of that another time.

Anyway. Hair. Head hair. It says a lot about a person. Makes a statement.

Glossy, well groomed, and regularly trimmed. Attention to detail. Personal pride ergo... a completer finisher.

Short back and sides. I mean business, (or equally a bun if you’re a lady or one of those martial arts guys. Not to be sexist or martial arts-ist. Eh?).

Carefully tousled. Look at me, I'm sexy. Or I've just got up and I can't be naffed to comb it. Or I buy TIGI products. Bed Head. There's hours in an agency Think Tank for you! Hmm. It’s obviously a teenage thing.

Mohican. Be afraid. Or I'm an exhibitionist. Or in the case of my eight year old, Archie, I’ve nicked my dad’s hair gel!

A number one. I hate everyone. Or, these days, I've got nits.

Hair envy. Let's face it. We’ve all felt it.

Is that why we spend a fortune on our hairdressers? Or is that for the conversation, AKA free counselling? Or, more likely, the access to gossip. Come on, be honest.

Ooo no, she didn't? Well. You could always tell she was a wrong 'un.

You're despairing of me ever getting to the point. But this is it. I’ve just been to the cinema. The Dark Knight. Brilliant. And in the trailers, appropriate to the film. Which they weren't. But that's a whole other
blog.

Anyway.

Two hair ads came on. Herbal Essences. You know the one. The girl in the shower giving it YES YES and YES a bit more. Maybe there really is something in the brush off... No sorry, I can't come out tonight. I'm
washing my hair. You know what I'm saying...... Good time guaranteed with every wash. Harry didn't need to waste his cash taking Sally for brunch. A bottle of HE would have hit the spot...

And the L’Oréal one or is it Garnier?....give yourself highlights at home one. Or is it low lights? It’s lights anyway. What they don't tell you is that ideally you need a friend or six to avoid ending up looking like
a badger’s....ahem....tail. Or worse, Davina McCall. You know what I'm saying. And all this... Because you’re worth it.

If you’re worth it, why not pay a few extra quid and go to a proper hairdresser’s, I say. Before you end up looking like an extra from the The Mallen Streak. Catherine Cookson will sue.

So hair. And the marketing moral. Why don't they make straightforward ads that sell products properly nowadays? Why do they sell additional benefits and not the real benefit?

Do you want clean hair. Or to get a bit shouty in the shower. And be subject to an ASBO if you wash every day. That didn't get any airtime did it? The anti-social implications of Herbal Essences? Or the possibility
of resembling Davina McCall. Enough said.

When I was at Procter & Gamble, we were told features and benefits sell. Not superficial, nonsensical add ons.

My favourite ad is the Ronseal one. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

And you can't say fairer than that.

Posted by River, 11th August 2008

Desire

20th August 2008

I love handbags and I celebrate the wonderful and sometimes weird relationship women have with them. What is the fatal attraction of a handbag?! Is it the style, colour, the oozing sex appeal or the price!

I clearly remember my growing love affair with handbags. My first handbag, aged 6, tan, Little Miss Sunshine on the front, practical over the shoulder handle, I loved it, really loved it! Why didn’t I keep it?!

This was the start of what was going to be a beautiful relationship with bags and a clear example of desire.

Shopping and logical thought are often worlds apart. Why do we buy what we do? It is often about pure desire, rationalised either before or after purchase i.e. desire created through marketing, advertising and media as a whole.

For example, the ultimate aim of Harrods Magazine is to create desire, through information and presenation. Ultimately, we intend that such desire will result in purchase.

As such, Harrods Magazine is positively impacting on customer behaviour, with an enormous 67% of readers making a purchase as a direct result of reading the magazine. Even Jane Wynn (editorial director) went running out of the River office to get her hands on the Burberry ‘Shackle’ exclusive (only to find it had sold out!) Fundamentally, Harrods is the most famous store in the world, stocking the finest products and worldwide exclusive. The magazine reflects this sparkling personality by successfully creating the necessary desire at the necessaary levels.

If you ask me, there is nothing quite like a trip through one of the Rooms of Luxury. Yes...two rooms packed with bags!

Blog biog: Beth Hodder, 31, Account Director (with special thanks to the man that purchases 95% of her handbags!)

Posted by River, 20th August 2008

Murphy's Marketing Morals - Part 5

18th August 2008

So there we were talking about tomatoes.

No I've not turned into Diarmuid Gavin or Alan Titchmarsh. And anyway, I'm taller. No it was tomatoes in context. Got you wondering now haven't I? Patricia Cornwell’s got nothing on me. Bet on it.

Well a few summers ago, but who’s counting. Age is a state of mind. And mine’s in a state. But still.

So, these tomatoes. They were red, ripe and juicy looking. And you wanted to reach into the ad and pick one right off the plate. But it’s not just any plate. It’s an M&S plate. And they are most certainly not any old tomatoes, no siree, they are M&S tomatoes.

Unless you live on Mars where there is water but definitely no TV, you must have seen those ads? Or rather heard them? It’s that clever slogan that you remember. It conveys exclusivity and specialness. Plus it strongly implies pride in the brand, and so inspires consumer aspiration. Much better than the previous ‘exclusively for everyone’. Exclusively for the bin you mean. Stuart, what were you thinking?

So in a time of contracting wallets and crunching credit are M&S correct to continue with their strategy of extra-special grub for extra-special folk?

When we the humble consumer are counting our pennies and when they and other food retailers are reporting figures that are sliding as the shopper discovers the delights of Aldi and Lidl, both up with a climbing marketshare, should M&S be banging the same old advertising drum? Quite so hard.

And yet, here's something new. Their latest ‘a meal for two for a tenner’. Pardon me but doesn't that throw even more in the spotlight that usually M&S Food is horribly expensive?

You know I'm right. You get half a trolley for two trolleys of Asda goods. That Andy Bond knows his.....cheap.....onions.

And is the promotion really working? Persuading current customers to buy more and new customers to convert? Or are loyal M&S customers reaping the short-term benefits with a loss of sales and profit to the company? After all, if they can still afford to shop there then they're loaded let's face it. While new consumers to the brand are nipping in to bag two meals’ worth and shooting back to Asda for their regular shop? A lost leader to lose the plot methinks. Stuart has maybe let being Chairman go to his head, as well as to his wallet. He can afford to shop at M&S but can the rest of us? Without taking out a second mortgage I mean?

So therein lies the marketing moral. In hard times what's a CEO or Marketing Director to do? After all, what works best? More of the same......everyday low prices, every little helps, try something new today....or tactical promotions that highlight just how very expensive your products really are? By offering a brilliant, short-lived deal that shows just how much money you the retailer are usually loading onto your prices.

I know where my money isn't.

M&S can keep their tomatoes.

I'm off to Netto to buy all my fruit and veg for the same price as one punnet of M&S’s finest. And I’ll have enough left over to pay for the petrol to get there.

Posted by River, 18th August 2008

Murphy's Marketing Morals - Part 6

20th August 2008

So there I was. Lost.

And not in France. Although there is a song in that.

Nope. Italy. Italia. Roma. Spaghetti. Carbonara (seriously it is a place not just a food experience...I know, I passed it three times) as I looked for that familiar blue and yellow sign.

I was in search of Europe’s biggest, newest, Ikea. I'd been there before. To the store I mean. And even to this particular one, too. Southern Italy. Puglia. Red hot. Little car. What do you mean it’s an extra thirty euros for air con. Stuff that. Oh how we laughed!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

How hard could it be? Follow the motorway. See the big blue tower. Leave the motorway. Follow the signs to the store. Croydon with sun thrown in. Except it wasn't.

I was experiencing my own personal Groundhog Day.

I was driving from Locorotondo to Bari. Forty-five minutes tops. Except it took three hours.

I could see the store from the motorway, like a desert oasis beckoning a thirsty Bedouin. But could I get to it? Could I heck as like.

It shimmered like a desirable flat-packed wardrobe. Just out of reach. And three hours later I still hadn't located all the screws.

It became my own personal Holy Grail. It of the cheap tea towel and budget chair. I could smell it. Meatballs and lingonberry juice. But I just couldn't get there.

That's because the Italians just don't do signs.

Or at least they do. But they are all pointing the wrong way. Or they peter out. Or they disappear to fox you. Or I'm stupid. Or, more likely, I need a TomTom that doesn't take a fancy to every lay-by and dead end. But that’s another story. And a few choice expletives later. My Italian swearwords are coming on a treat.

So eventually. Not one to give up, me. I found it.

And to round off a joyless driving experience it was right next door to McDonald’s. Of course there had been hundreds of golden arches so I could have saved hours of fruitless and frustrating searching had I only known it was right next door.

But none of the signs said that. Oh no. Why make it easy for your customers to locate your stores, eh? It’s character building to get thoroughly naffed off in pursuit of a few cushions and a whistling kettle.

So I arrived dear reader. And was instantly soothed by the airconned warehouse echoing off into the middle distance.

After two hours. One of them queuing. More checkouts and till staff would be good. Or isn't that very Swedish Mr Kamprad? I ventured back out into the sunshine proud owner of more lamps, novelty ice-cream scoops and tealight holders than I know what to do with. But it’s so cheap! It’s just your brain doesn't register that you don't actually need the stuff. You are bewitched by the price.

And that's when it happened. As if my day hadn't been taxing enough already. I nearly got run over in the Ikea car park. Not a very noble end as ends go. I certainly hadn't envisaged meeting my maker dragging a crateload of cheap crockery.

There I was. Pushing my overloaded trolley, blue bags swinging off all available nooks and crannies.......when some daft Italian bloke, shouting away on his mobile and reversing swiftly out of his parking space, hit my trolley and knocked it, and very nearly me, flying.

Ok I wasn't injured exactly, but it was a close call. To be fair, I hadn't spotted him either. I couldn't see over the top of my fake sheepskin carpet. But still.

The humiliation. Surrounded by broken glass and china and a tangle of twisted metal that had once been a trolley.

And then my day changed beyond recognition. I had a positive customer experience. Out of the bowels of the store rushed two orange polo shirts.....why not blue or yellow……? Anyway. And they collected up all my broken bits like helpful Oompa-Loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.....and replaced them all free of charge. They collected them while I sat at customer services with a cinnamon roll and a glass of lingonberry. Good for shock apparently. And then loaded them into my little red oven and waved me off.

Brilliant. They even berated the ponytailed Italian on my behalf.

Now that's what I call customer service.

So if they can just sort out the signs so customers can actually find the store. And open up more tills so you can actually pay for what you've bought. And impose a ban on poor drivers.

Well it would be a damn near perfect retail experience.

Viva Ikea! Or should that be Italia!

Posted by River, 20th August 2008

Practice what you preach?

18th August 2008

Environment. Carbon Neutral. Low C02. All buzz words, all very now, so please can someone explain why every time we enter awards whether it is the APA, PPA, BSME, or another, do we have to gather, package and post our own body weight in entry print outs and magazines?!!!!

Whilst publishers at River are constantly looking for greener alternatives for their clients through recycled paper stocks, polys, and digital solutions our governing bodies are sending us back to the dark ages.

E.g. here at dream magazine we maximise Honda’s environmental credentials by being carbon neutral. Honda pay to off-set C02 production and is actively involved with the carbon trust...we even off-set flights linked to competition prizes!

Irony has it, enter an award’s category such as best environmental innovation or Editor of the Year, pack it full of all our environmental credentials - the 100% recycled paper, bio degradable poly, dedicate content to explain how being eco-friendly doesn’t sacrifice colour and the best bit our new digital magazine solution which we hope to convert a large proportion of readers to at the cost of ABC figures...and STILL we have to send a bulk of magazines and printed entries for judging.

Ridiculous, yes.

Green, no.

Blog biog: Beth Hodder, Account Director. Now much greener than she used to be!

Posted by River, 18th August 2008

Retail therapy???

26th August 2008

So there we were. Milan airport. Connecting flights. A four hour wait between flights...one from Southern Italy...the next to London.

That's not so bad right? A chance for some retail therapy.

Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton, a splash of duty free.

A nice Italian lunch with a couple of glasses of champagne. That's me, not the kids. They prefer the hard stuff.

Read a few magazines. Relax a little.

Well that was the plan.

Except we are at Milan Linate. Not the proper one. Malpensa.
At Milan Malpensa they've got real shops. Acres of them. Even their inferior shops are a million times better than the shops here. Well what passes for shops here.

Think I'm exaggerating? Well if you came here to buy a capsule wardrobe you'd be stuffed. No there isn't an excess of fur and feathers for the taxidermy minded! I'm talking women’s fashion.

Mens. Kids(ish). But no women’s. What's that all about? You can make like Elle Macpherson and clothe your bod in sexy underwear. Well underwear anyway. But that's it. No outerwear. Good job its a hundred degrees outside.

And no handbag shops. Not one. How you can call yourself an airport without designer bags is beyond me. Although I did see a few designer old bags to be fair.

There is a Tie Rack though. See. Told you it was bad.

And to illustrate the point, the sunglasses concession should be in a suitcase on a beach in Jamaica being hawked by the Looky Looky Man. No really.

It’s that bad.

But I know you're thinking that if all else fails the duty free shop never disappoints the world over though does it? They always have one of those with enough booze, chocolate and tobacco in it to sink a battleship. Er no. Not at Linate they don't. It’s being reconstructed. Bit like the designer old bags.

So if retail therapy is off the agenda it will have to be a food experience to while away the hours. The airport map shows a couple of snack bars and a Harrys Bar Restaurant. Now I've been to a few Harrys Bars in my time, the world over, and I’ve had some good times. Hell, I even remember a few of them. So off we set, hopefully, through the airport. Which in itself makes Heathrow Terminal two look plush by the way. And arrived.

Harrys Bar, Linate Airport.

Oh how we laughed. Harry was nowhere in sight. Hiding. It was the shame. It does that to some people.

Words cannot describe. Wilting plants. Brown decor. A bit like Pizza Hut before the makeover. Brown trousers on the waiting staff and brown checked shirts. Remember those? I do. I was one of them paying off my student loan whilst at uni. You got a free pizza every ten hour shift. And a drink. Brilliant corporate generosity. But you had to hide while drinking it. Customers don't like to think that waiting staff have needs. Like basic hydration.

Anyway Pizza Hut pah!. I got the sack. But that's another story.

So back to Harrys. Tableclothes. Tick. Beige. Cross. There was also a printed menu. Tick. Things were looking up. The kids were starving so we just ordered. I didn't look at the prices. That bit was the entertainment.

Two pastas. Microwaved. Only in Italy eh? The home of pasta.
My daughter Ali liked what wasn't stuck to the plate.
A chicken breast and potatoes for Archie who only operates in basic food groups. But if it really was a breast it was from an anorexic chicken. And it was covered in what Archie termed....ugh what's that white stuff? Two fruit salads. Don't you adore grapes with pips? Two Sprites and a still water.

So now for the fun bit. As if eating it wasn't penance enough. Go on. I’ll spoof you for the bill. How much?

Forty seven Euros and change. The Sprite was the biggest laugh. Five Euros forty a bottle.

So good job there weren't any decent shops. We had no money left to spend anyway.

So the moral of this story. Check your destination. Exactly. Milan Airport sounds like wall to wall Armani with Simonata thrown in for the cheeky end of the scale i.e. Malpensa. Linate on the other hand is the Arctic of shopping. It’s the Priory for shopoholics everywhere.

Our only fix was a mobile phone charm. No really.
And I can buy designer togs on The Great Wall of China so I consider myself somewhat of an authority on shopping.

A word of advice then. Avoid. At all costs. Pardon the pun.
Go to the right Milan Airport and only that one. If you have to connect via Linate cancel your trip. It’s not worth it.
Stay home and shop on net a porter. The only thing they don't sell is the phone charm.

But I think that's a bit of a blessing.

Posted by River, 26th August 2008

Let battle commence

26th August 2008

If you haven’t already, go and check out www.mygazines.com, one of hottest subjects in publishing at the moment. At first glance, you’ll be shocked by the blatant copyright infringements but look a bit closer at the site and maybe things aren’t so black and white.

The basic premise is that users upload scanned versions of print magazines for anyone to view. You’ll see the latest issues of anything from FHM to The Economist and all for ‘free’ and it’s understandably sending print publishers potty with rage. Publishers across the world, Time Warner to EMAP have all stated their intentions to get the site closed immediately and teams of lawyers are readying themselves for battle as we speak.

Normally, it’s a fairly straightforward process to get something like this shut down, however Mygazines is registered in the Caribbean island of Anguilla and hosted in Sweden, by the notorious PRQ. The Stockholm-based PRQ is owned by the founders of BitTorrent tracker site Pirate Bay and is known for hosting other such websites. P2P (Peer to Peer) networks like Bit Torrent have been around for ages, their users swapping copyrighted music and movies willy nilly. The movie and music industry hasn’t had much joy in shutting down P2P networks so it's pretty doubtful that anyone’s gonna shut down Mygazines anytime soon.

If this was 1997, Mygazines would probably be shaking in their boots right now, but it isn’t, and if our short history of the web tells us anything, these publishers are simply wasting their time. Even if they do manage to shut this one down, either Mygazines will relaunch under a different name or a plethora of other sites in this vein will launch. The publishers are in fact causing the problem by publicly stating their intentions to shut the site and getting Mygazines all this publicity.

It's all a bit hypocritical anyway...Publishers are perfectly happy to talk to advertisers about pass-along readership when the format is print -”oh yes our research shows that our magazine is read by 4 people giving us a readership of blah blah blah” - yet here’s a website proving pass along claims and they want to shut it down. Uh?

Rather than destroying Mygazines, perhaps they should be actively working with them. Gaining an understanding of the benefits of content distribution via a social network will be invaluable knowledge in years to come.

So get your ringside seat and watch this space, because a battle is about to commence that could well define the future of online content. I for one, can’t wait!

Posted by River, 26th August 2008