News

Constantly falling for the wrong sort of men? Can’t work out why you’ve been single for so long? Perhaps you’re in a relationship, 
but find it hard to let your partner get truly close. Or maybe your partnership only seems to work when there’s lots of exhausting drama. Whatever your difficulties in intimate relationships, if love is a struggle for you, the chances are you’ll find the same basic pattern will be played out over and over again.  Of course, there are many factors that contribute to our relationship style, including experiences in past romances. But many psychologists believe that our very first relationship – the one we have with our parents as children – could be a big underlying factor that shapes the way we behave with partners. 

In an ideal world, your parents are meant to provide you with what’s known as a ‘secure base’ – so you grow up with appropriate boundaries, but the freedom to express yourself, knowing that your parents are always there for you without being intrusive. According to psychiatrist and therapist Jeremy Holmes, author of The Search for a Secure Base (Routledge, £19.99), in adulthood a romantic relationship is our secure base. A few people can rely on something else, such as spirituality or creativity. But for the majority of us, a positive intimate relationship is key for keeping us anchored and grounded, and no matter how close our friends and family, nothing else can be an effective substitute for it. 

However, not everyone has that secure base as a child – and any difficulties in your relationship with your parents can echo through your love relationships as an adult. External factors and your parents’ own life experiences can mean they’re unable to provide a consistently stable emotional environment. For example, if your mother had a difficult pregnancy, she may have been very anxious and smothering – conversely, if she was depressed, or had a large family to look after, she may not have been fully emotionally available. And it’s thought these very early interactions with your parents can shape how you behave in romantic relationships as an adult. Researchers have identified four main styles developing from childhood experiences – read on to discover yours. 

This is you if: you don’t have particular difficulties with intimate relationships. You’re happy being close to someone, and are comfortable depending on them, and having them depend on you. You don’t often worry about being left, or about a relationship becoming overwhelming. 

The chances are your upbringing was relatively stable – even if there were difficulties, your parents were attentive and empathic, giving you enough freedom but setting down boundaries too. That’s good news for your intimate relationships. You’re unlikely to be a doormat type, or overly anxious about being abandoned. Equally, you don’t fear closeness and are able to give and receive love. That’s not to say things will always be easy, as there’s no guarantee how other people will behave. But you are less likely to be drawn to unhealthy relationships, and will probably have the confidence and self-esteem to extricate yourself from negative situations. Unlike the insecure attachment styles, you’re in a good position to be able to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

This is you if: you like solitude and are happy on your own. Independence and self-sufficiency are important to you, and you are quite comfortable without being in a relationship. In fact, most of the time you prefer not to feel dependent on someone else, and dislike someone relying on you. You tend not to seek out intimate relationships, and often have the sense that nobody is quite ‘good enough’. If you do become involved with someone, you find it difficult to really open up to them. You probably hide your feelings, and if you do feel rejected, will pull away rather than discussing it. And you might find physical intimacy difficult. 

While independence may sound empowered and confident, in fact it’s a way of avoiding a closeness that, deep down, scares you. It may be that as a child, you experienced some degree of rejection by your parents, and as an adult unconsciously attempt to protect yourself from this happening again. You do this either by staying away from relationships entirely, or perhaps by choosing partners who are not fully available – perhaps because they’re abroad, married or commitment-phobic. 

This is you if: you feel ambivalent about close relationships. Unlike the dismissive avoidant, who genuinely enjoys solitude, there’s a part of you that very much wants intimacy – but it also terrifies you. You find it hard to trust someone else and the fear of being hurt is so entrenched that you may avoid relationships altogether. Like the dismissive-avoidant, you don’t feel comfortable discussing feelings, and will back away if you sense the possibility of rejection. You yearn for a relationship, but may pull out when things become intense. If you’re the classic heartbreaker – falling for someone and revelling in the romance of the early days, but then leaving when you start to have feelings – you may be a fearful-avoidant. 

It’s likely that you experienced painful rejection in your relationship with both, or one, of your parents. As an adult, you have low self-esteem and secretly feel you don’t deserve to be happy – so when you start to feel content with someone, you push them away. 

This is you if: you yearn for a close relationship, and can find being single almost unbearable at times. When you do get together with someone, you may find they don’t grow close to you as quickly as you would like. You need a lot of attention and approval from your partner in order to feel secure, and often worry about being left. So it’s hard for you to truly enjoy relationships or feel relaxed with someone else. 

You may have developed this relationship style as a result of having parents who were inconsistent in their attention. At times, they may have been smothering, making it hard for you to identify and manage your own feelings. At other times, they may have been highly disapproving and rejecting, leaving you feeling confused and abandoned. The result? You grew up into an anxious person with low self-esteem, longing for the stability of a relationship, but feeling you’re not really good enough for the right person. You may ‘down date’ – choosing people you don’t truly value because it feels safer. Or you may be unconsciously drawn to those who reject you, which confirms your worst fears that you’re not good enough. 

If you have one of the insecure relationship styles, it is possible to change and give yourself the chance 
of finding love.

It’s past midnight, but watching the endless stream of people crossing Tokyo’s famous X-shaped zebra crossing in Shibuya, you wouldn’t know it. It feels more like morning rush hour, albeit with neon lights replacing the orange glow of the sun. All the other morning essentials are still available: coffee, breakfast, newspapers; everything you’d need to start your day. Ours is just winding down, after a bullet train ride up the length of Japan from Yakushima Island, where Honda tested the FCX, its next generation hydrogen fuel cell car (see the last issue of dream). Tomorrow, we’ll visit the company’s headquarters in Aoyama to pick up another very clever vehicle, but tonight is all about trying to get to grips with Tokyo. Forget New York, this is a city that truly never sleeps. Vending-machine coffees fuel a walk through brightly lit markets, late-night noodles next to suited salarymen give way to beer and sake in basement bars, and networks of elevated skywalks bring us no closer to figuring out the street system. It’s time to get some rest. 

The next day, schoolchildren and office workers on lunch break mingle in the Honda lobby. The daily ASIMO show is about to begin, but we’ve got a very large city to explore, and the perfect car to do it in. The Greater Tokyo Area – which stretches over 2000 square kilometres – is home to over 35 million people, so clever cars like the Jazz make a lot of sense. Though compact, the car is amazingly roomy inside, with fold-flat Magic Seats that transform it into virtually an estate car. The Jazz pioneered an innovative, centrally located fuel tank, mounted just beneath the front cabin floor. This arrangement, together with a tilted front engine, give it the interior space you’d normally expect in a much bigger car. As we discover emerging from the car park onto a broad, multi-lane avenue, it’s also very agile and responsive – quite handy when you’re attempting to do something every guide book warns against: driving in downtown Tokyo.

We make our way to Ueno, one of the best ways to experience the city if you’re in a hurry. The leafy park just north of the train station is like a microcosm of Japan, with everything you’ve read about packed into one place. A winding path leads you past red Shinto temples, where bells click in the breeze. Uniformed amateurs gather for a match at the baseball ground, while geishas wander among the trees. On the east side of the park lies the sprawling Tokyo National Museum. The Honkan (Japanese Gallery) in particular is worth a stop, with a spiralling floorplan that takes you through 3000 years of Japanese art, ranging from Paleolithic stone sculptures to Samurai sword blades – oddly but justly classed as ‘art’.

As evening falls, we’re driving out of another gleaming car park, full of friendly attendants in white gloves. Parking, as you’d expect, is another major issue in this city, and another area in which the Jazz excels. 

Whether it’s Sunderland city centre or central Shibuya, the car’s size and clever touches help you on your way. Put it in reverse in the rain, and the Jazz automatically wipes its rear window for you. Steering wheel-mounted audio controls mean you can keep your eyes on the road, 
and electronic heated folding side mirrors make life that little bit easier. 

On the Continuously Variable Transmission (CVT) model, paddle shifters mounted behind the steering wheel let you click through the gears like the F1 cars that inspired them.

Our late night of driving begins with a journey across the Rainbow Bridge and back to the trendy shops of Aoyama, where the bulbous glass Prada building by Swiss architects Herzog & de Meuron jostles for your attention beside boutiques like Japan’s own Bathing Ape brand. On the dashboard, the outside temperature shows a balmy 22° as the instant MPG figures rise and the clock ticks over into the early hours. The streets are becoming quieter as we cruise over the elevated highways through Shinjuku towards the city’s famous Tsukiji Fish Market. As the first light of morning dawns, this incredible trading centre comes alive, with motorised trolleys buzzing past rubber-boot clad fishmongers and the odd dazed tourist in search of the ultimate in fresh-off-the-boat sushi. By the time the day is done, 2000 tons of fish – and every other conceivable form of seafood – will have moved through the market.

As the sun starts to rise in the sky, we climb back into the Jazz and drive through the busy streets in search of the bigger picture. The petrol gauge barely dropped, but we’ve seen back streets at night, tranquil parks, bustling shopping areas and sunlit temples. The only way to get a real sense of the city’s true scale, though, is to rise above it all, and when it comes to views Tokyo spoils you. The famous Tokyo Tower offers one of the best, but the nearby Mori Art Gallery and Tokyo City View combines a sky-high modern art museum with a 360º vista over the upmarket Roppongi Hills area. We opt for the Tokyo Municipal Government Offices, where twin towers offer free views over the bustling centre. As we gaze down on the tiny yellow speck below, it’s at last time to tear ourselves away and return the Jazz. Tokyo on foot is fun, but handing over the keys is hard. 

Working as a chemist in a laboratory probably isn’t how you would imagine former Atomic Kitten Natasha Hamilton. But if the young mother of two’s singing career hadn’t taken off she may have been slipping into a white coat to start work every day. 

‘I started at the Starlight School of Performing Arts when I was 16, but I knew that if the singing didn’t work out it wouldn’t give me enough qualifications to go to university,’ she says. ‘So I also went to night school to study for my chemistry A-level. I just clicked with chemistry and if I hadn’t had this career, I wanted to find a cure for period pains!’ She laughs as she says this but hearing it you immediately realise that there is more to this petite pop star than a string of 
sugary chart hits. 

Curled up in an armchair in a Liverpool photographic studio she explains that the last time she was here was to attend a fashion show hosted by Cricket, the boutique loved by the northern celebrity clique that includes Coleen Rooney and Alex Curran. But Natasha claims she doesn’t hang out with famous people. She keeps in touch with former band mates Liz McClarnon and Jenny Frost but insists her closest friends are the ones she made at school. ‘Of course I love the lucrative part of the profession, but I can park the fame on one side,’ she says. ‘I don’t understand people like Britney Spears who moan about paparazzi attention. To some extent it’s up to you – just move away from LA!’ 

But however down-to-earth she has managed to remain, Natasha was destined to entertain. Born in a modest home in Kensington, Liverpool, she says she was ‘always into music’. ‘Every Sunday, we’d put on LPs while Mum was cooking,’ she says. ‘The entire family would dance and sing along to all these wonderful soul and motown records – Marvin Gaye, Earth Wind & Fire, Barry White...’ 

After lunch they’d go to the local pub to see a family friend perform. ‘He got me up on stage to sing when I was 11 and I was hooked,’ she says. Another friend suggested she join the local Starlight Show Group, so from the age of 12, after school and at weekends, Natasha was performing in pubs and clubs around Liverpool. But it was an advertisement in a local newspaper seeking ‘girls with attitude to join a girl band’ that would change her life. 

‘My mum put me up for the audition and I was the first girl they saw. They said I was exactly what they were looking for and turned everyone else away,’ she says. 
The band was Atomic Kitten and Natasha was asked to replace Heidi Range from the original line-up. Natasha left home to join them at just 16 and within two months they’d signed their first record deal. The next three years were a whirlwind of performing, touring and media interviews with band mates Kerry Katona, Liz and  later Jenny (who replaced Kerry), churning out chart-topping hits such as ‘Whole Again’, ‘Eternal Flame’ and ‘Tide is High’. 

In April 2002, after dating Fran Cosgrave, a nightclub owner and a former bodyguard for Westlife, Natasha announced she was pregnant. However, she was adamant that she would remain with Atomic Kitten and that their 2002 tour would continue. ‘I’ve always had a small frame and when we were still performing and I was dancing all day, I was all bump and didn’t give a thought to my weight,’ she explains. However, when she started her maternity leave she wasn’t exercising, but was still eating as much as ever and the extra pounds inevitably crept on until she was 10st. 

‘My pregnancy was plain sailing, but I had an emergency caesarean and so couldn’t exercise at all after the birth,’ she says. ‘I was delighted to be a mum and really happy, but when I went to stay with my parents one night during my maternity leave, it dawned on me that I needed to think about my weight. I had forgotten my PJs so my dad lent me a pair of his shorts. They had a 34-inch waist and didn’t just fit, they were quite snug!’ 

Natasha is very keen to stress that being a couple of stone heavier didn’t make her totally miserable. ‘I really believe that how you feel inside is more important than what’s on the outside,’ she says. ‘I was happy with myself, but once I was back at work I found things much harder because I was heavier. I was sweating more and breathing more heavily during the dance routines. 


My health wasn’t great either and I contracted a kidney infection, followed by bronchitis.’ 

And there’s little wonder when you understand the punishing schedule the Kittens undertook for years at a time. ‘We’d fly from country to country doing at least two gigs a day and fitting in back-to-back television and radio interviews,’ she says. ‘Our schedule was crazy and we had to insist that we had a half hour set aside every day to have lunch, because it reached the point where we were being interviewed while we ate.’ 

Fran and Natasha broke up soon after Josh’s birth. However, Natasha’s mum agreed to give up her job to look after Josh so that they could join her while she toured. ‘Otherwise it would have been impossible for me to see Josh much while we were 
on tour,’ says Natasha.

And it was her mum who suggested she join Weight Watchers to shift the weight she’d piled on while having her first son. ‘It’s so difficult to eat healthily on the road. We often lived off service station food and there weren’t the healthier options you have now. Also, hotels always have such huge dessert menus and I found it difficult to resist dishes like apple strudel and custard,’ she says. ‘Weight Watchers appealed because as long as I kept to my POINTS allowance 
I could work round what was on offer.’ 

Of course, relentless gallivanting around the world meant it was impossible for Natasha to attend meetings, but she squeezed in time to track online and found the Eat Out guide invaluable. While Natasha was rushing from gig to gig, her make-up artist and slimming buddy, Cassie, would tot up their POINTS values for the day. ‘Cassie would work out that as we’d had toast first thing, then a low POINTS value soup for lunch, we could have a slice of pizza later on – and perhaps a glass of champagne!’ she says. 

It took Natasha eight months to shed almost 2st. ‘It came off slowly but I knew that if I wanted to keep the weight off I couldn’t rush it,’ she says.

Also, now that she had a child, Natasha was keen to eat more healthily. ‘When you’re younger, it seems like you can eat and drink what you want, but once I had Josh my body changed and I now put on weight more easily,’ she says. ‘You also really start thinking about what you’re eating because you want to be able to mash up your food to give to your kids – and that’s not going to work if you pop into the kebab house!’ 

Not much later, in December 2004, Natasha gave birth to her second son, 
Harry. Her relationship with his father, dancer Gavin Hatcher, was short-lived, and in January 2004, when the band took an extended break, she had more time to spend with her sons.

‘When I had Josh I put on about 2st, but with Harry it was more like 2st 7lb,’ she says. ‘And after I had him I was still eating for two.’ Back home she found the weight more difficult to shift. ‘I was used to a gruelling fitness schedule, but when you  stop exercising so much you’re burning fewer calories,’ she says. ‘I was determined not to beat myself up about putting on weight because it was a natural result of having another child, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to fit back into my skinny jeans overnight.’ 

Yet however determined she was not to let her baby weight get to her, Natasha experienced the same frustrations and emotions as hundreds of women. ‘The first time I went shopping after having Harry, I felt really demoralised. My belly was hanging over my waistband and I wondered if I would ever manage to get rid of it,’ she says. ‘And when someone asked when the baby was due I felt worse.’ 

So once again she joined Weight Watchers. ‘You have to be sensible about weight loss. It’s tempting to lose it quickly on some faddy diet, but that usually means you’ll put it back on and I wanted to keep it off.’ She also realised she needed to exercise more. She was already walking her dog, Bambo, each day and now also goes to the gym once a week where she spends 20 to 30 minutes on the treadmill, 10 to 15 minutes cycling ‘for me buttocks’ and then some time working with weights. 

Since leaving the band, Natasha has fallen in love and married Riad Erraji, businessman and semi-professional footballer. And the pair haven’t stopped. 
A week before their wedding in 2007 they opened a nightclub and an upmarket café in Liverpool. And Natasha has been working on a new album. Although she realises that critics can tend to dismiss her musical abilities due to her girl-band background, she is confident in her singing and has been writing her own material. 

‘I didn’t write much when I was in Atomic Kitten because I lacked confidence, but I’m loving writing material for my new album,’ she says. ‘If you are on stage singing your own words, it’s much more emotional.’ Aptly, her new single, out soon through Ministry of Sound, is a ballad titled ‘Ms Emotional’. Natasha explains it’s about coping with adversity in your life, ‘having a little cry, then moving on.’ 

Last year, Natasha was devastated when she miscarried her third child, but now, looking at the stunning redhead who seems to have it all, you can’t imagine that she faces many problems. But she disagrees. ‘No one knows what goes on in other people’s lives,’ she says. ‘We all have our moments. What’s important is how you cope with setbacks and that you come through them.’   

Terms and conditions:  1. No purchase necessary.  2. You must be over 18 years to enter and only 1 entry per reader. Multiple entries will be disqualified. 3. Prize Draw is open to UK residents only except employees (and their families) of River Publishing and anyone professionally associated with the prize draw. 4. The closing date is 12 noon, 15.10.09. 5. Prize will be awarded to the first entry drawn at random by an independent judge after the closing date.  If the winner can not be contacted within 7 days then a redraw will take place. The judges decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into. 6. Entries after the closing date can not be accepted and no responsibility will be accepted for delayed or mislaid entries. 7. There is 1 prize of a case of Veuve Clicquot (6 bottles) RRP; £197.70. 8. Prize will be dispatched within 28 days of the closing date. PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.  The Promoter is River Publishing, 1 Neal Street, London, WC2H 9QL